Of course, the “I love you, man!” stuff was pretty much assumed…

i decide to cancel my digital cable and phone the cable company (yes, they are evil EVERYWHERE). my info pamphlet says they’re available 24/7 so i take them up on it at 1am. i listen to an advertising/marketing message, then a spanish language message, before even being presented with routing options. the options are recited too slow for my liking, and go about three levels deep. i’m forwarded somewhere else, where the line rings and i’m put on hold with another longwinded message. finally, i’m told that due to unusually high call volume, i’ll probably be helped in about fourty minutes. and this is a GOOD system–at least they inform of the estimated delay somewhat specifically.

1) there should be a way of attaching a language preference to a household’s phone number, or at least minimizing the impact of language messages.
2) don’t lie or misrepresent. don’t market 24/7 just because it’s TECHNICALLY true. the statements have to have demonstrable meaning to customers. i know the one guy there was sleeping because he never gets calls at 1am.
3) never let a customer wait more than five minutes. offer to call them back, and stick to the estimated time closely.
4) be concise, and maybe users could have control over speaking speed?
5) don’t forward to another system, especially if information there is redundant or it risks disconnecting the customer after he worked so hard to get to that point.
6) assume that customers don’t phone looking to be upsold, cross-sold, re-sold, or sold anything at all. at least wait until you know what they’re there for.